Lull

Somewhere in the middle of the night last night I turned over and realized I'd overdone it, so tired I couldn't sleep. This morning, I woke with my energy completely depleted. For a functional introvert like myself, this exercise of being public on a daily basis is at once empowering and consuming. I've got to be more mindful of leaving time to be quiet while continuing to push myself.

So I'm reaching out to Audre Lourde for words tonight, far more articulate than I could be, words with energy for this path of "bringing silence into language and action..." She lays it bare: "In the cause of silence, each of us draws the face of her own fear — fear of contempt, of censure, or some judgment, or recognition, of challenge, of annihilation. But most of all, I think, we fear the visibility without which we cannot truly live… And that visibility which makes us most vulnerable is that which also is the source of our greatest strength."

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Before fire season, Swan Lake, MT 2017

Parts

Waterjet cut leaves and berries, 2017

Process

About a year ago, I started the process of a slow and deliberate purge. The spaces I inhabit for my creative work had been overcome by stuff collected for its future usefulness and out of an underlying fear that letting go might also mean forgetting. I continue to push and pull against my tendency to hold on to things out of emotional investment and a belief in potential. But the few recent exchanges in which I've lovingly given something up have left me feeling great, and when someone else seems to benefit from my release, the residual impact is even better.

Vashon Island Ferry, 2017

Dig

I just read this article by Lola E. Peters. She writes, "If internal dialogue doesn’t match up with behavioral outcomes, self-seduction is at play," and goes on to suggest that we are all candidates for examining the ways that we disconnect from responsibilities to self-reflect and grow. "(R)emember to ignore the words and test the behaviors."

These words shaped the way I took in the day. And as I gather energy for a project that I'll start tomorrow, I will try and carry action forward and align with my own words, to test some behaviors of my own.

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Dungeness Spit Landing Pad, 2017

Reaching

Part of the motivation for embarking on this project is that it makes me uncomfortable. The challenge of a daily practice is that it asks you to show up, and blogging then asks you to out yourself publicly in whatever form that showing up takes.

This tension reminds me of interview (on beloved podcast Song Exploder) in which Jeff Tweedy talks about trying to get out of the way of ego during the creative process. He suggests that the ego's obsession with trying to make things "good" or "right" bullies the vulnerability and discovery key to developing authentic art/work. I'm hopeful that this space and process will help me as I stumble to get out of my own way.

100 days

Today marks the first of 100 days remaining until my 50th birthday. As a way to honor my work and my self, I'm embarking on a blog that will both forge the way and document it.

My first post is the launch of my website, www.kltollefson.com, a project that is still very much a work in progress. Thank you for looking.

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